Finally, I shrugged off the fear covered laziness, and mustered the courage to go and see her. It wasn't easy to prepare myself for the visit and I had a constant fight between the black and the white entities inside my mind until the white angel won over the black devil, convincing me to accept that there is something wrong inside my mind and it is completely human to be so.
Calling her was easy and went smoothly. However, I spent the whole day at office wondering what I would tell her and how she would judge me. What if she thinks I am just crazy and concludes that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me? I am going to make a fool of myself in front of a stranger.
I was still in two minds whether I should go or if it was a bad idea! I didn't talk to any friend about this, since I did not want to ask for an opinion. I decided to give it a try and take it as an experience.
Sitting in an auto travelling home, I smiled meekly thinking about the drastic difference in my condition. Well, the counsellor was no God; neither did she know any magic. Sometimes, when you are in the most miserable state one can be in, you just want to talk it out with someone, you need some stranger to show you the mirror.
After I cried out my entire painful story, she neither consoled me nor criticized me; instead she told me a few things that I knew and something I had planned at some point of time during my journey of misery.
This is what she told me:
- Be happy and find that happiness yourself. Do not depend for happiness on anyone.
- Do not let your imagination run wild. It does not help, instead messes it up more.
- Do whatever you want to do. If you do not get support and you are anxious and you think it’s right, then go ahead with it. Do not keep seeking for a positive suggestion from somebody.
- It’s human to feel lonely. But do not darken your world with loneliness. Instead, find alternatives, make more friends, and engage in different activities.
- Face the reality. Do not hide from it or ignore it. Do not wait for somebody else to decide for you. Take charge of your own life.
When I told her about all the things I had in my mind, which I had told most of my close friends as well, (yet their responses did not make way to my head or my ears) the Counselor simply said one sentence: “You know what the problem is; you are lonely and you have locked yourself up more.”
When I told her that I wanted to be with my husband and my patience had ended with the struggle of past years, she said, “Its simple. Why don’t you make your way there yourself?” Every suggestion she gave me reminded me of all the goals I had set for myself once when I was calmer.
The mistakes I made were to lock myself up and punish myself for something not viable. Loneliness captured me gradually and I did not make an effort to break-free. I did not ever look at the simplest joys of life to expect impractical surprises. I thought without borders and boundaries regardless of time, place and people.
I don’t know whether knowing my mistakes will help me to become less miserable in the future, but I do realize that happiness cannot be asked for; it lies in your hands, either you spread it or spoil it. The counselor showed me a mirror and sometime a mirror tells you the truth better than friends.
You are your best friend; keep yourself happy!
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