The Battle is not lost yet!

Finally, I shrugged off the fear covered laziness, and mustered the courage to go and see her. It wasn't easy to prepare myself for the visit and I had a constant fight between the black and the white entities inside my mind until the white angel won over the black devil, convincing me to accept that there is something wrong inside my mind and it is completely human to be so.

Calling her was easy and went smoothly. However, I spent the whole day at office wondering what I would tell her and how she would judge me. What if she thinks I am just crazy and concludes that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me? I am going to make a fool of myself in front of a stranger.

I was still in two minds whether I should go or if it was a bad idea! I didn't talk to any friend about this, since I did not want to ask for an opinion. I decided to give it a try and take it as an experience.

Sitting in an auto travelling home, I smiled meekly thinking about the drastic difference in my condition. Well, the counsellor was no God; neither did she know any magic. Sometimes, when you are in the most miserable state one can be in, you just want to talk it out with someone, you need some stranger to show you the mirror.

After I cried out my entire painful story, she neither consoled me nor criticized me; instead she told me a few things that I knew and something I had planned at some point of time during my journey of misery.

This is what she told me:

1. Be happy and find that happiness yourself. Do not depend for happiness on anyone.
2. Do not let your imagination run wild. It does not help, instead messes it up more.
3. Do whatever you want to do. If you do not get support and you are anxious and you think it’s right, then go ahead with it. Do not keep seeking for a positive suggestion from somebody.
4. It’s human to feel lonely. But do not darken your world with loneliness. Instead, find alternatives, make more friends, and engage in different activities.
5. Face the reality. Do not hide from it or ignore it. Do not wait for somebody else to decide for you. Take charge of your own life.

When I told her about all the things I had in my mind, which I had told most of my close friends as well, (yet their responses did not make way to my head or my ears) the Counselor simply said one sentence: “You know what the problem is; you are lonely and you have locked yourself up more.”

When I told her that I wanted to be with my husband and my patience had ended with the struggle of past years, she said, “Its simple. Why don’t you make your way there yourself?” Every suggestion she gave me reminded me of all the goals I had set for myself once when I was calmer.

The mistakes I made were to lock myself up and punish myself for something not viable. Loneliness captured me gradually and I did not make an effort to break-free. I did not ever look at the simplest joys of life to expect impractical surprises. I thought without borders and boundaries regardless of time, place and people.

I don’t know whether knowing my mistakes will help me to become less miserable in the future, but I do realize that happiness cannot be asked for; it lies in your hands, either you spread it or spoil it.  The counselor showed me a mirror and sometime a mirror tells you the truth better than friends.

You are your best friend; keep yourself happy!

The Impatient Me!

The usual restlessness gets into me, if there was a clock inside my head it would have been tick tacking per my imagination or sub conscious mind. I was fiddling with the laptop one moment and switching to the traditional pen and paper I arranged just beside it. To someone watching me doing this, it would be a clear sight of stupidly confused and insignificant situation; but I had a larger battle going inside me which paralyzed my humanly actions momentarily. It is high time now, I had to sit down discussions and clarifications with this erratic vulnerable rebellious character who has been active in creating abstract nuisance ever since… ever since trust and faith left her side. The concern was not how to initiate the conversation for it has been continuance of several bygone tiffs which were rather voluntarily given an abrupt end. The problem was sticking hard with the resolution.  

The level of impatience intensifies and I foolishly look all around the room closely scanning from the wall clock to the family photos stuck on my cupboard, to the murky teddy bear in the corner and then stop at the blatant wall which was as if filming glimpses of my tormented past. I didn’t want to see it yet I did not bat an eyelid, it was no less than hallucinating about your own death in a state of possessed by something unearthly. I hurried and started scribbling some notes realizing there was no time. That was it! It was the moment of truth; the world would end for some if not for all. I close my eyes in an attempt to muster courage for the great sacrifice and also with the fright of what will happen next. Yes, I will be eaten now. Will that hurt? I don’t know, I guess I’ll need to find out.  

Next morning when I open my eyes to find myself rescued from the Gigantic Snake aka Anaconda, I had a good laugh about my great melodramatic dream. Well, I had seen the shadow of a lizard at my window in the darkness of the night and what happened next can successfully title me as the Imaginator.

D 20

Taking a right turn to enter the uneven lane, I stop my scooter in front of the kirana store. The guy sitting inside smiles at me as I climb the makeshift step to enter his shop. I pick up a bread packet and 6 eggs and ask him “How Much?”. He smiles mischievously and asks “That’s it? Thumbs Up nahi lena aj Madam”. I smile back at his witticism and leave the store paying him 50 bucks. Without heading straight to my vehicle, I stop at the panipuri wala, who had already sensed my craving for the day and started preparing to serve me puris. I start gorging into them with the usual tamarind water ones and then switching to a sweet-tangy and finally without water. The best ones are always the last two special ones.

Wrapping up this activity, I start my scooter and head home at a real snail pace watching the surroundings and comparing the progress of development in my mind with the day before. Just across the end of this real bad road (I would still take this route everyday) in less a hundred meters is the half open gate of the small residential society that has been my address for 3 years now – Mithila Nagari. The chirpiness and energy always prevailed whatever time of the day you visit, yet there was an unexplained tranquility amidst all the resonances. As I slow down to enter the gate, the known faces of the security guards curve into a smile and nod at me in a way of greeting, I reciprocate and move towards my building. Watching the kids and toddlers playing all around, I make sure to slow down almost at negligible speed and enter the parking area positioning my bike next to the pillar. That was my favorite spot and somehow I always try to occupy that space. Sometimes when this spot would be occupied by some other vehicle and I would need to settle down for another place, I would make sure come down multiple times later to check if it’s vacant.

Making sure that I have put my bike perfectly in a straight line, I climb the five steps and reach out to open the lift collapsible gate. The very adjacent door was Flat #2 which would always be at least a bit open. A small head peeps out from inside the room hearing the noise which starts upon opening the elevator gate. “Oh Aunty!” saying the little cute kid smiles at me. This was a Punjabi family and a pretty weird one; while the kid’s father, a really simple man would smile and have small talk when we would meet, his mother always held a frustrated reaction on her face. I loved the conversations with the kid, he would talk to me like I am his family member. On one occasion, when I got some snacks on my way home from office in the evening, I met him while parking my vehicle and almost came seeing what I got. I smiled back at the kid, showed him a Ta-Ta and ascended in the elevator to Floor No. 4. At no time, the elevator stopped and I came out. Climbing down the few steps to reach the 3.5^th floor, I do my usual investigation of figuring out whether my maid came to work by closely scanning the security door and the dustbin beside the door; Also multitasking in parallel to reach out to the front pocket of my bag pack to get the keys.

Every day like a routine, I would key in to the security door and stare blankly at the alphanumeric inscription D-20 – my little cozy world for the last few years. 

At the end of the Journey..called Life

The light keeps getting blurrier with every passing moment. Why am I feeling so sleepy like I haven’t slept in years? Eyes are heavy and shutting down. Feels like an unknown force is holding them ajar. The feeling of an unexplanable vacuum in my heart with a tinge of slight perpetual pain and all memories flash in front of eyes from childhood to aging. Why did suddenly all the people I have known come together to see me? And do I believe my eyes? How can these people who…. who left this world already is also here? I am unable to correlate what I see with reality…

Not trying to validate my thoughts and vision, I lose myself in the insanity, refreshing memories. It was like yesterday when Adi was born and his little presence would light up my world. His first day in school when he cried bad enough to lose his voice for a week and soon it was time for him to leave for his life’s journey – a foreign education followed by marriage and settled far away. I can hear him talk on his phone outside my room now. A struggling smile curved on my lips with the thought of seeing my son after years and years of parting. I hope he met his father; the old man has kind of diminished to a shell with age. That reminds me, I forgot to check if he had his course of medicine in the morning, but why can’t I remember all that I did so long?

I want to get up and check for him, go around the house and do my daily work but I find it so difficult. It feels like only my mind wishes but my body isn't co-operating. My thoughts get diverted again – I see myself entering office in the evening, a couple of Hi’s and Hello’s here and there and quickly settling down for starting the day. Then an extended dinner with my colleague-cum-friend Jay discussing various topics ranging from office people to family to work to politics and the country and a non-ending list. The painting competition in office – ah that was hectic but fun. We would finish our shifts at 2 am in the night and rush to the library room to finish our paintings with snacks and soft drinks and chitchats until 6 in the morning. I smile again.

I move back some years back in time , I would never forget the support Maa provided  me when I struggled and rebelled against everything that came in the way of my preferred profession. Those months in Chennai when I would walk long distances to save money and would come back without cracking interviews, she would tell me to always take it as a lesson and look forward to the next one. When  I came to Pune and got my first job, I knew it wouldn't have been possible without the pillar of support in my life. Thinking all the good times I have had as a kid with my parents , I feel a hand on my head , I look up to see Maa . Delighted at the sight, I wanted to tell her it’s been a telepathy that she came while I was thinking about her..but before I could utter any word, she bends and slowly whispers in my ears “Its gonna be fine.. don’t worry”… I felt a sudden respite to my otherwise unsettled mind. I asked her through my mind if Dad is fine too since I don’t him along with her and she reassures me that he will be around soon. I continue my journey in time being certain that all the people I felt responsible for are good. The journey strangely gathered speed this time and it turned into a quick turning of pages in a book like in search of a specific topic or a page.

I stopped at an unknown page number where I meet the friend of my life, years before when we actually did not know we would turn partners for this lifetime. We have shared our lives before tying the knot in education, profession, personal problems and understanding to support each other. We have seen good and bad times together and have managed to overcome trysts successfully. I remember the time when we almost gave up hope of being together any further but destiny had different plans. We got married and took up responsibilities of a family. With whatever struggles we have seen that has gapped us apart, aging has separated us from the worldly affairs and brought us closer.

Its strange how only the good memories are arriving to my mind. Not that I want to remember the unfortunate times, but the tweaks in the life’s journey has taught me well to enjoy the good times and accept the bad ones as well. Lost in surfing through the book of life, I felt Adi’s Dad occupy the other side of the bed slowly and come closer to me. His wrinkled shaking fingers stroke my forehead through my greyed hair and I dive back into memories into the young days of our relationship reliving them once again. What amazing time have we spent with each other! We have seen real low times but never have we left each other’s hand. I have indeed lived a wonderful life.. what more could a person ask for in a lifetime.

Like old times when I would be worried and not get sleep at night, I would find relief in the comfort of his arms and before I could realize the gentle strokes would put me sleep. My eyes now give up. I am falling asleep, it is like a peaceful eternal sleep and I don’t feel afraid or worried anymore.

Those Glaring Eyes ..

Muffling in pain with the fresh wound and being helped towards the OPD section of the hospital, I managed to be awake yet semi-conscious of the surroundings. The ward boy helped me to sit on the bed holding me by my upper arm and waist; I was too much in pain to protest about him holding me in places I would not want to. He comes back again and hands me over my belongings which had been collected safely by my savior and also brought with me to the hospital.

While I waited for the doctor to investigate my wounds, the ward boy waits there gazing at me from time to time. It became very unpleasant in the next few minutes when I realized he wasn’t really keeping a check on me but in addition he was looking through my torn dress which was also a prey of the accident. He was soon forced to take his eyes off me when I planted a stern face upon him making him aware that I am not in that bad condition to not take care of myself (although I knew deep inside my heart how I dragged myself right from the start of the accident) .

The doctor came and I was treated with the most painful of ointments and injections, they put me quickly to sleep for the rest of the afternoon without any thoughts circling my mind nor felt any pain either. I slept like I did not move a muscle.

When I woke up sometime in the evening, I found myself covered with the blanket neatly and a saline channel ran through me. The neatness did not impress me; rather I was horrified by the thought if the ward boy has chanced to act nasty while I was asleep. Of course, I was too traumatized previously by his actions that it did not strike upon me that there would be separate personnel specifically nurses or aya s for such work. Still engrossed in the trance, I now started thinking how to head home where at least I can feel safe; when the nurse came and told me I had visitors, I was surprised since nobody by now was aware that I met with an accident and especially my parents who lived in a different city were not to be told to avoid panic. Some of my friends entered the room and I learnt from my savior that she informed them searching their contacts from my phone. By now, I was indebted to her for so many obligations in such a short span of time being a stranger.

After a short conversation with them, I was informed that I will be discharged and my happiness knew no bounds. I almost jumped with joy and tried to get off the hospital bed when the ward boy came with a wheel chair to transport me to my friend’s car. I looked into his eyes and it shone outrageously and I knew he would repeat his offense once again. A cold shiver ran down my spine but then I did not want anyone else to fall prey to his deed, so I decided to defy.

Coincidentally, the friends who came to take me home were either making the payment at the counters or getting the car to the nearest exit and none were nearby while I was being transported. As expected while helping me settle on the wheel chair, he caught my arm and waist and even touched me at different places pretending to be by mistake. I had to hold back my patience meter a little longer to end it once in for all and waited until we reached till the reception area humming with people. As soon as we reached the exit, the ward boy, I am sure thought in his mind “the last time for this woman” was over-confident this time and tightened his grip. What he didn’t know was my plan and as soon as he acted smart, I landed a convinced tight slap on his face loud enough to draw complete attention with complete silence around. He was smart enough to react and ask me what was his fault and I told him “I was a patient here yet I could not hold enough patience to bear your duty concealed illegitimate actions”. It was loud and clear enough for hospital authorities to inquire the issue and I learnt he was immediately fired.

                    “You need to raise a voice to make a change or else bear with it silently”

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Lonely in a crowd

Standing lonely in the crowd of a thousand souls, the feeling of being lost with no one trying to find you and no one standing by to ask haunts me in my nightmares every night. It was an unknown place, the sight of a village fair with hustling bustling crowd, yet no one watched my weary eyes or my anxious face.

I remember the giant wheel, really giant enough - sat in the center of the fair with sparking lights shimmering away the whole area. And the people sitting in the ride are screaming out aloud, not sure whether of excitement or out of fear. Watching the whole sight and engrossed in studying the people and their emotions the grip of my hand loosened, I didn’t realize and didn’t bother too. After getting over the scene for a good amount of spell I looked back to find Mother but the crowd concealed the space behind me like fog masking up roads on a cold foggy winter morning.

I froze, now realizing I have lost contact. Drops of nervousness started gathering on my forehead. Connection with protective circle that existed around me …

I step hesitantly towards the crowd trying to make an effort to find her although fearing to get more lost and the fear came true when I amalgamated in the sea of people .. I was pushed, dragged to either sides with the constant movement in different directions and shoved in a way that I tumbled upon the dust tasting some too.. Somehow managing to collect my posture and trying to pull myself up in an act of struggle for existence, I fell again with a hard knock and in a moment felt like a victim of stampede when I covered my eyes so as not to visualize the event…

I opened my eyes to wake up in reality all dreaded in perspiration and recalling the Dream…

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Time Machine er Quick Ride

শীতের দুপুরে যেমন গাছের ডালপালার ফাঁক  ফোকর থেকে উঁকি মারে এক মুঠো রোদ্দুর ,

মনের এক কোণে লুকিয়ে থাকা অনেক আকাঙ্ক্ষার মধ্যে সবচেয়ে প্রিয় টি হতাঠ উঁকি মারে প্রতিদিনের নিয়মিত রুটিনের ফাঁকে ।

একটু অন্যমনস্ক হয়ে চলে যাই সেই ছোটবেলার  দিন্গুলয় ।

শীতকালের ছুটিতে  দুপুরবেলায় বারান্দায় বসে একসাথে ভাত খাওয়া - আমি, মা আর দিদি , খাওয়ার পর কমলালেবু  কম্পেতিসন - কে কতরকম ভাবে লেবুটিকে খেতে পারে :) ... তারপর ভাত ঘুম। বিকালে উঠে খেলতে যাবার উত্তেজনা , মা সোয়েটার পড়িয়ে দিলে এক ছুটে আড্ডায় পৌঁছানো , সন্ধ্যে গড়িয়ে রাত হতে চল্লেও ঘরে না ফেরা মা না ডাকা অবধি ।তারপর পড়ার যুদ্ধ কিন্তু অপেক্ষায় দশটা  বাজার আর TV চালানোর .. আহা কি আনন্দ  ই না ছিল সেই সময়ে , হয়তো টাকা পয়সা সূযোগ সুবিধা অনেক কম ছিল তখন , কিন্তু মানসিক শান্তি অনেক ছিল ।

এক পলকে পৌছে যাওয়া time machine এ চেপে , আর ফেরত আসাটা  light এর থেকেও ফাস্ট। .... টিং। .টিং। .. টিং.. টিং..টিং... বেজেই চল্লো,  আমার ধ্যান ভঙ্গ করেই থামলো । না  , ফোন  নয় , office communicator । এক সাথে সবার জিগ্গাস্স  এসে,  এত বছরের সময়ের journey বিদ্যুত গতিতে পাড়  করিয়ে দিল ।

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